Do you have a bucket list? I do.... I think everyone does whether they call it a Bucket list or something else....
Recent events have .... That's how i was going to start this blog but as soon as I typed the words I knew they were wrong....It isn't just recent events this has been a year of events.... In the beginning of the year my cousin died...she was from my mother's side of the family...she was the first of "the cousins" to die and it was very shocking to me.... yes shocking...
you spend your life learning the lessons...trough the loss of beloved toys.... pets.... friends... grandparents.... it's not that the people that you lose are any less important when your growing up they just more or less fit into the lessons your supposed to learn....sometimes the lessons are especially hard like losing a sibling or a parent when you are very young ... but these lessons are a necessary part of making us into the adults we become....
I realize now, even as i go on, that maybe it's just MY life lessons....any way...all my life growing up I had all my cousins....on my mother's side anyway.... It wasn't something we thought about...it's just the way it was....then my brother died and he was the first cousin to die for everyone else except for us Warren's sisters....we still had all of our cousins....
I was 44 when Jeannie died...The very unexpected death of her started my deep investigation into my own mortality.... It has not been an easy road either.... who really wants to think about dying?... I keep telling my son and my husband that when i die I want them to Burn Me .... Urn Me .... and take me with you...I don't want to be buried somewhere left behind when life takes the people who loved me away from where I am.... Take me with you!!!.. I must insert right here I really wanted them to take me to a taxidermist and have me stuffed so i could watch over them (ha ha ha) .... they know that even when I am gone I am going to haunt them they just don't want to dust me and change my clothes...so I wont be getting stuffed when i die.....
All kidding aside....sorry if that offended anyone but, who do you know that could sit around and talk about their deaths and not say something funny?...Everybody needs levity to ease the hardest and the darkest times... That's another thing I have always said "I couldn't make it through this life if i couldn't laugh" .... I truly think i wouldn't make it without laughter....
The last eight days have been hard....The first cousin on my father's side of the family of my generation died and she was younger then me....That puts a whole new spin on it....Younger then me and her life on this earth is over....she leaves behind children... parents... sister.... friends... cousins....pets... it's hard to understand why these things happen at times but...
I like to think from what I know of Sharon that she knew something I didn't ... i mean about her own mortality.... from the conversations I have had with people and my own experiences with her... I know Sharon had a great sense of humor... she had to have one to be in OUR family....I know she was a fabulous mom...that is just something you can't fake...The emotions I have felt this week have run the whole gamut for her family....her sister has to know that if she needs me to talk to...to listen...for whatever I am here....her parents.... i remember how my parents were when my brother died... it's not a kind of hurt i would wish on my worst enemy.... the last communication i had with Sharon was a public post she made on Facebook... she said and i quote "Life is good. God is great" ...and then she said to someone who commented words to the effect of "If you believe in the second part the first part follows..."
how ironic to me that she made that post 2 days before she died.... did she know a secret? ...it makes me wonder...There has not been a day gone by that I haven't thought of her since I heard of her passing...before she passed away I in a way thought of her every day... In this last year as I have become more aware of my mortality I find myself praying more and always included family in a blanket type cover of "those i love and care for" in my prayers...
Am I afraid to die? No I really don't think I am...do I want to die?...someday.. yeah i know it's inevitable...but I want to live long enough to be that sassy old lady the Facebook quiz said I was going to be....or to be like my Grandmother who, at 80 something damn near fell out of the window of my mother's car as she tried to grab herself some construction guy muscle as we drove through road construction on our way to Kingston one day yelling all the while "Come on BOYS give Granny some sugar!!!" I don't have to tell you it was one of the funniest things I EVER saw in my life....the look on those guys faces to see this old lady leaning out the window trying to grab herself some of them was so funny i didn't even have time to be embarrassed....
now back to subject....Bucketlists....I have a few of them...
Son:
1. See him have children...I want to be a grandmother....
2. See him love someone with his whole heart and to have that love returned
3. Have him just once take the garbage out without being told...lol...just kidding...not really!
Couple:
1. Go to Greece
2. Travel
3. Start a business
4. Go on our honeymoon..(One night in Merrits does not constitute honeymoon)
Personal
1. Go in a hot air balloon
2. skydiving
3. live on the beach for at least a year.
4. Go to the west coast
5. Have the truck move off my lawn...(it's been there a long time...10+ years)
there are other things that I want to do...I need a lot more years....I don't plan for my Bucket List to ever be done....I hope every year I can add more to it....
to all the people in my life now and to those i hope to meet one day THANKS...Thanks for making me the person I am and for who I am going to be...
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
November the Oneth
It's that time of year again....It's getting cooler out....sunset comes much earlier.....thank goodness i say! ....now i don't have to be up half the night to take sunset pictures....In my humble opinion it is the only GOOD reason to have winter...
I'm sure that no one has ever heard me say how much i hate to be cold....(insert dramatic smirk here)...how much i hate winter....if my sisters were to think of it they would remember i spent way less time outside in winter then they did...I was more likely to be found sitting on the fireplace blistering the skin on my back with the heat of the fire or playing Scrabble, Yahtzee or Canasta with mom & grandma in the kitchen...(stopping my typing for a few moments and remembering....)
or I would be up sitting next to grandma on her bed doing a circle the word book.....i cannot begin to tell you how many hours i spent doing circle word books with my grandmother...i loved the time I spent with grandma...and if ever Grandma was upset with me she would not allow me to come up when i asked...I can remember a few times that grandma wouldn't let me come up and i can remember sitting on the bottom step leading up to her room and crying because she said no....i thought my heart had broken into a million pieces for sure....You can bet that when grandma finally allowed me back upstairs to sit next to her i tried my damnedest to never ever have her be upset with me again...there were very few times she ever said no to me...
Another 'thing' about grandma that always made me smile as it did with all of her grandchildren is that she loved Tigger....yup Tigger from Winnie the pooh...we would ask her every day "Grandma, where's tigger today"....she would give us his location every day... some days he would be walking in the woods...others he would be in china or Hawaii ....she would tell us that he was doing a Chinese dragon dance or dancing with hula hula girls....to this day if i see a hula girl on someones dashboard i think of tigger doing the hula with the beautiful Hawaiian women...Other days she would say to us didn't you see him today?? He was in school with you today....
This time of year always brings back many memories to me even though I always hated the fact that this meant winter snow and freezing cold were soon to follow. But before the time of year that i really dislike comes it's THE HOLIDAYS!!!! To us the holidays started the weekend before opening day of hunting season...That's when Aunt Ruth and Uncle Frank came up from Long Island! For as long as i can remember they came up for hunting season. Aunt Ruth was my grandmother's sister so she was actually my Great Aunt....All four of us kids loved them soooooo much...we knew Warren was Uncle Frank's favorite but they were always so wonderful to us we really didn't care....
The first day of hunting season was known as "Deer Day..." yup, that's what school called it...they stopped fighting all the bus drivers and just closed school on opening day...if school didn't close on that day all the bus drivers would call in sick..school would end up delayed or closed anyways.... These days i do believe they call it Superintendents Conference day...
One of their traditions of coming up was to bring Entenmann's crumb cakes with them...you would have thought that they brought solid gold with them...we all loved them....back then it was more like the ultimate crumb of today....I do believe that in the late 60s and 70s it was not as easy to find Entenmann's cakes upstate.
Somewhere on one of the discs of scanned pictures i have here are pictures of mom, Aunt Ruth & grandma Rene playing cards in the kitchen and "playing their instruments" ((the tinfoil, paper towel card board, spatula guitar)) and singing silly songs...One of the ones i remember them dissolving into laughter that left them gasping for air is I'll call it 'Roll me over' I don't know if i ever knew the real name it goes something like this:
Roll me over in the clover
RRRRRRRoooooollllllll me over..
lay me down do it again
This is number oneand we're going to have some fun
Roll me over in the clover
Rrrrrrroooollllll me over..
lay me downdo it again
This is number two
I forgot to tie my shoe
Roll me over in the clover
Rrroooooooollllll me over..
lay me downdo it again
This is number threeI got to take a pee
Roll me over in the clover
Rrrrrrooooolllllll me over..
lay me down do it again
and the song would go on... over and over different words most times but always filled with with tons of laughter....my son has said to me a zillion times "Where do you get this stuff from?" I laugh and most of the time he knows the answer "Nana"... But it isn't just Nana it's part of my life....it's who i am....
So now as the holidays are upon us I just want to remind everyone to hold those you love for that extra second....cherish everyone..... soak up the memories...the traditions... the laughter....
I'm sure that no one has ever heard me say how much i hate to be cold....(insert dramatic smirk here)...how much i hate winter....if my sisters were to think of it they would remember i spent way less time outside in winter then they did...I was more likely to be found sitting on the fireplace blistering the skin on my back with the heat of the fire or playing Scrabble, Yahtzee or Canasta with mom & grandma in the kitchen...(stopping my typing for a few moments and remembering....)
or I would be up sitting next to grandma on her bed doing a circle the word book.....i cannot begin to tell you how many hours i spent doing circle word books with my grandmother...i loved the time I spent with grandma...and if ever Grandma was upset with me she would not allow me to come up when i asked...I can remember a few times that grandma wouldn't let me come up and i can remember sitting on the bottom step leading up to her room and crying because she said no....i thought my heart had broken into a million pieces for sure....You can bet that when grandma finally allowed me back upstairs to sit next to her i tried my damnedest to never ever have her be upset with me again...there were very few times she ever said no to me...
Another 'thing' about grandma that always made me smile as it did with all of her grandchildren is that she loved Tigger....yup Tigger from Winnie the pooh...we would ask her every day "Grandma, where's tigger today"....she would give us his location every day... some days he would be walking in the woods...others he would be in china or Hawaii ....she would tell us that he was doing a Chinese dragon dance or dancing with hula hula girls....to this day if i see a hula girl on someones dashboard i think of tigger doing the hula with the beautiful Hawaiian women...Other days she would say to us didn't you see him today?? He was in school with you today....
This time of year always brings back many memories to me even though I always hated the fact that this meant winter snow and freezing cold were soon to follow. But before the time of year that i really dislike comes it's THE HOLIDAYS!!!! To us the holidays started the weekend before opening day of hunting season...That's when Aunt Ruth and Uncle Frank came up from Long Island! For as long as i can remember they came up for hunting season. Aunt Ruth was my grandmother's sister so she was actually my Great Aunt....All four of us kids loved them soooooo much...we knew Warren was Uncle Frank's favorite but they were always so wonderful to us we really didn't care....
The first day of hunting season was known as "Deer Day..." yup, that's what school called it...they stopped fighting all the bus drivers and just closed school on opening day...if school didn't close on that day all the bus drivers would call in sick..school would end up delayed or closed anyways.... These days i do believe they call it Superintendents Conference day...
One of their traditions of coming up was to bring Entenmann's crumb cakes with them...you would have thought that they brought solid gold with them...we all loved them....back then it was more like the ultimate crumb of today....I do believe that in the late 60s and 70s it was not as easy to find Entenmann's cakes upstate.
Somewhere on one of the discs of scanned pictures i have here are pictures of mom, Aunt Ruth & grandma Rene playing cards in the kitchen and "playing their instruments" ((the tinfoil, paper towel card board, spatula guitar)) and singing silly songs...One of the ones i remember them dissolving into laughter that left them gasping for air is I'll call it 'Roll me over' I don't know if i ever knew the real name it goes something like this:
Roll me over in the clover
RRRRRRRoooooollllllll me over..
lay me down do it again
This is number oneand we're going to have some fun
Roll me over in the clover
Rrrrrrroooollllll me over..
lay me downdo it again
This is number two
I forgot to tie my shoe
Roll me over in the clover
Rrroooooooollllll me over..
lay me downdo it again
This is number threeI got to take a pee
Roll me over in the clover
Rrrrrrooooolllllll me over..
lay me down do it again
and the song would go on... over and over different words most times but always filled with with tons of laughter....my son has said to me a zillion times "Where do you get this stuff from?" I laugh and most of the time he knows the answer "Nana"... But it isn't just Nana it's part of my life....it's who i am....
So now as the holidays are upon us I just want to remind everyone to hold those you love for that extra second....cherish everyone..... soak up the memories...the traditions... the laughter....
Friday, November 6, 2009
May I Have This Dance
Today is 24 years ago....Twenty four years....
I have officially lived more then half my life without my brother....remembering what he looked like is easy....i have pictures...but sometimes, more often then not, remembering his voice is becoming harder and harder and it hurts me to think of it...to not remember his voice....anyways....
Back in August 1985 I was working at Kass Inn on route 30 in Margaretville as a dishwasher...back then it was a very busy place and I almost always worked very late on Friday and Saturday night...more often then not I would not be done with my work when my younger brother, Warren, would come to pick me up..I didn't drive back then so I always had to have someone come pick me up.... I do not remember one time that he came to get me and he didn't help me finish up..I would finish washing the pots and pans and he would do the mopping for me...That was a huge frigging' floor and ohhh how I hated mopping it every night...He would come in and just do it for me...he didn't complain he just did it....
The two other women I worked with on the weekends did not believe that he was my brother because he was so nice to them and to me...They teased me all the time no matter what I said they never believed me that he was my brother....
On this particular night we were going out after he picked me up...Back in 85 the drinking age was only 19 and we were both legal.....for some reason the girl he was seeing wasn't with him... when I had changed we went to a bar called 'The Emory Brook” .This bar was long and skinny with windows all the way across the front...the band played on a stage all the way down... away from the door....lots of people from Kass' were there and tons of others...a live band always drew a crowd....especially in the summer........even the two women I worked with were there.....the music was loud....the beer was cold and we were having a good time....one song ended and the next began.....a slow song....i rolled my eyes and smiled at my brother I was looking around to see if anyone else was not dancing … to me it seemed like the whole world was there and had a partner to dance with except me and my brother.....in the haze of my thoughts I saw a hand appear before my face and a voice said “May I have this dance” I looked up and it was Warren, my brother, asking me, his sister, to dance....He left his hand there before me waiting for me to take it...i put my hand in his and stood up and we started to dance....we talked and danced through the whole song...after the song ended my brother wrapped his arms around me and hugged me tight..he looked down at me and said “ I love you, Jeanette don't ever forget it....” it was the single most memorable moment in my life with my brother...i felt loved, happy and special...
The people i worked with heard what he said to me....i never was able to convince then that he was my baby brother and not my boyfriend...
There was one other time in my life that my brother said those words to me....it was November 5th just a few months later....I had moved in with my sister Tracy and we lived in Hamden...We were in Grand Union in Delhi shopping and ran into my brother, mother and I believe grandma was there too in the store....Once again, right there in the middle of the store my brother wrapped his arms around me and said 'I love you, Jeanette don't ever forget it' …
The very next night my brother was gone...he died in a car accident...not even a mile from home...Mom found him...he died in my mother's arms...His first word was mom and so was his last....
A strange thing happened....when my parents finally went through his room they found his journal....in his journal in the second or third week of August he had written an entry called 'I cheated death'...he talked of sitting under our mammoth weeping willow tree in the back yard and cheating death....i think personally that it was the day after he had told me in the Emory Brook that he loved me....that God decided to give us a few months more with him before he took him to be with him....
I often wonder...what would my life be like if he was here....what would he be like?... I know that when I die I will see him and all the others I have loved who have moved on from this life...It's going to be a long time before I get there I have a lot of living to do....
I love you Warren and I Miss YOU!
I have officially lived more then half my life without my brother....remembering what he looked like is easy....i have pictures...but sometimes, more often then not, remembering his voice is becoming harder and harder and it hurts me to think of it...to not remember his voice....anyways....
Back in August 1985 I was working at Kass Inn on route 30 in Margaretville as a dishwasher...back then it was a very busy place and I almost always worked very late on Friday and Saturday night...more often then not I would not be done with my work when my younger brother, Warren, would come to pick me up..I didn't drive back then so I always had to have someone come pick me up.... I do not remember one time that he came to get me and he didn't help me finish up..I would finish washing the pots and pans and he would do the mopping for me...That was a huge frigging' floor and ohhh how I hated mopping it every night...He would come in and just do it for me...he didn't complain he just did it....
The two other women I worked with on the weekends did not believe that he was my brother because he was so nice to them and to me...They teased me all the time no matter what I said they never believed me that he was my brother....
On this particular night we were going out after he picked me up...Back in 85 the drinking age was only 19 and we were both legal.....for some reason the girl he was seeing wasn't with him... when I had changed we went to a bar called 'The Emory Brook” .This bar was long and skinny with windows all the way across the front...the band played on a stage all the way down... away from the door....lots of people from Kass' were there and tons of others...a live band always drew a crowd....especially in the summer........even the two women I worked with were there.....the music was loud....the beer was cold and we were having a good time....one song ended and the next began.....a slow song....i rolled my eyes and smiled at my brother I was looking around to see if anyone else was not dancing … to me it seemed like the whole world was there and had a partner to dance with except me and my brother.....in the haze of my thoughts I saw a hand appear before my face and a voice said “May I have this dance” I looked up and it was Warren, my brother, asking me, his sister, to dance....He left his hand there before me waiting for me to take it...i put my hand in his and stood up and we started to dance....we talked and danced through the whole song...after the song ended my brother wrapped his arms around me and hugged me tight..he looked down at me and said “ I love you, Jeanette don't ever forget it....” it was the single most memorable moment in my life with my brother...i felt loved, happy and special...
The people i worked with heard what he said to me....i never was able to convince then that he was my baby brother and not my boyfriend...
There was one other time in my life that my brother said those words to me....it was November 5th just a few months later....I had moved in with my sister Tracy and we lived in Hamden...We were in Grand Union in Delhi shopping and ran into my brother, mother and I believe grandma was there too in the store....Once again, right there in the middle of the store my brother wrapped his arms around me and said 'I love you, Jeanette don't ever forget it' …
The very next night my brother was gone...he died in a car accident...not even a mile from home...Mom found him...he died in my mother's arms...His first word was mom and so was his last....
A strange thing happened....when my parents finally went through his room they found his journal....in his journal in the second or third week of August he had written an entry called 'I cheated death'...he talked of sitting under our mammoth weeping willow tree in the back yard and cheating death....i think personally that it was the day after he had told me in the Emory Brook that he loved me....that God decided to give us a few months more with him before he took him to be with him....
I often wonder...what would my life be like if he was here....what would he be like?... I know that when I die I will see him and all the others I have loved who have moved on from this life...It's going to be a long time before I get there I have a lot of living to do....
I love you Warren and I Miss YOU!
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