Saturday, October 24, 2009

The Midnight Marauder




As I have said many times before my mother had a very unique warpedness to her...She took special steps to make sure that she shared it with her children.....

She had these friends, Alan and Kathy, when I was teenager...Alan and his wife were very good friends of both my parents.... I can remember many nights of Alan & Kathy coming to our house and just hanging out...somehow someway my mother and Alan got into a practical joke contest....

The joke started out with silly things like the bug in the ice cube....or she would be eating cake or something and make this terrible face and say to Alan "Did you smell that?" and when he went to smell it she'd smoosh it in his face and he'd have frosting all over his face and hair....yes his hair too...my mother always told me if your going to do something do it right or not at all....so none of this love tap smooshing....when the person fell for the lame old trick you had to make sure they had cake so far up their noses they had snacks for a week.....

On a side note here: there are a couple people in this world that fell for the "Did you smell that" gag with me and to this day still think they 'owe me one' because they were stupid enough to fall for it more then once....ha ha ha suuuuuuuccccckkkkkeeers!!!!! One I 'cringe' when i think of how he is finally going to get me...the other i laugh at because i hardly see him any more....But then again maybe I shouldn't discount anyone who thinks they owe me for a gag....

The first time mom got him really good....Alan drove this green truck that he had built the sides up so he could carry large loads of wood or whatever....well Alan had brought the truck to our house....my mother was out back by it and noticed a p0air of tighty whities that had been living in the mud and yard for God knows how long...they were realllllllly nasty....she took my dad's staple gun and stapled them to the side of Alan's truck....she fully expected to get a phone call a couple hours later....well that afternoon went by.....the next day went by and the one after that it wasn't until THREE days later that alan fiunally noticed them....In the mean time he had driven all over the place with these filthy, muddy disgusting tighty whities stapled to the side of his truck for DAYS!!!! We laughed every day for months over that one... Mom and i had even taken rides into town to check and see if he had found them and was just ignoring it...every time we checked they were still there.... Ohhhh MAN was he pissed when he finally found them...I dont remember what he did in retaliation fo it but it had to be something really good because the next few things mom decided to do she would leave a note that was signed

The Midnight Marauder

Finally mom had to start getting really creative and striking under the cover of darkness...One day mom and I filled I think five green garbage bags with the little small balloons (They were only filled with air) But think about it....five garbage bags filled with wiffle ball sized balloons...

we parked the car under the pavillion behind the A&P in town.... we snuck the bags 0f balloons across the field to Alan's truck...he used to park his truck behind his house....which ended up beinging a baseball sized field away from the pavillion... we filled the cab of his truck with the balloons and left our note taped to the steering wheel....just as we were emptying the last bag of balloons into the cab we hear the fire whistle go off in Arkville....yup you guessed it Alan was a volunteer for Arkville....so here's me and mom running across the field behind the A & P half a bag of balloons emptying behind us as we tried to get to the pavilion where the car was hidden without being caught...if mom got caught pranking Alan there was a consequence i believe...we barely made it under when Alan came running out of the house to his truck.....mom and i were sprawled across the hood of the car trying to catch our breath laughing so hard we were crying.....When Alan opened the door... the balloons started falling out...we heard them popping as he pushed into the cab and took off heading for route 28 so he could get to the firehall....mom and i got in the car and followed.....all over the place down Route 28 you saw balloons....it was soooo funny...when we got to Arkville mom beeped and waved at Alan and he gave us the finger!!!...

Alan told me years later... that had to be one of the funniest things the Midnight Marauder ever did...

I miss doing those silly things...i miss my mom...so friends...neighbors etc...the Midnight Marauder may return...she is like Zorro....if there is a need he appears.....it will be the same with the Midnight Marauder!! Maybe for old times sake one night i will go and wrap Alan's car in saran wrap again and leave a note that says:

In Memory of the Midnight Marauder

Friday, October 16, 2009

Downhill Ice Skating

Recently i was told i am severely twisted...I can now proudly say I am NOT the only severely twisted person in the world...

My husband ( i know... i know poor sucker) (but believe me he was demented long before i met him) (he's part of the reason why i am severely twisted) was just now walking out of the living room carrying a laundry basket yelling "BOCK BOCK BOCK CHICKEN WINGS" only to reflect what we were watching on TV... but, none the less, there he was in his big dog sleep pants, his dyke's lumber t-shirt and his now very short hair sticking up like he is the joker from batman flapping his arms and yelling "BOCK BOCK BOCK CHICKEN WINGS!!" It's a nut house i live in I swear it!

Anyways....a few weeks ago we had a conversation about new events for the Olympics... today he comes to me with his 'best' idea ever...Downhill Ice skating... yes think about it...let it roll around your brain for a few minutes....downhill Ice skating...Imagine how scary that would be...only someone who's cheese was rapidly sliding off their crackers would think of something as twisted and demented as downhill ice skating...

I thought about events like scaring...you set up this plan to scare someone and then execute it...imagine how inventive it would be....when my friend Michele and i are walking on the reservoir taking pictures and talking all of a sudden a GIANT KING KONG sized gorilla head shows up in the middle of the reservoir and starts moving towards us......or...or....ahead of us across the guardrails a gigantic octopus arm flops down across the road flattening everyone in front of us and sucking them up and pulling into the depths of the reservoir all the while we'd both be screaming like suicidal bombers in WWII......contestants would be graded on how fearful the victims appeared, intensity of screaming (hmmmm maybe a scream chart is needed)and creativity....

It's an idea i don't know if it will ever happen but could you imagine?? LOL

Monday, October 5, 2009

Mary is having a baby!

My friend called me last night said she had to tell me something before i heard it in the A & P ...When you live in a small town everybody knows everybody's business...I swear to God there is nothing you can do in a small town without someone gossiping about it...There was this one time:



Starting in say 7th or 8th grade, i think, you were allowed to aquire a permission slip signed by a parent to go uptown during lunch time. I was headed uptown..... smoking a cigarette.... before i got past theVictory store on main street which has since then been a Great American Supermarket, and now i believe it's a church....isnt it weird people are praying where once as a child i threw up... It's very unsettling to me.....anyways....i was walking up main street and before i got to the Victory my mother received a phone call letting her know i was walking up main street smoking. My mother told the person who called her to mind her own business i had permission to smoke.....

Anyways any time Barb and I have something to tell each other we don't want someone else tell first we'll say, "I have to tell you something before you hear it in the A & P"....so I knew it was something serious...I mentally braced myself... "Ok...what's up"... there was a short pause... "Mary's having a baby" ....Those words just bounced there for a minute....."Our Mary is having a baby"... Barb knew exactly what was going on...she told me then to call her back when it sunk in...that was about 6ish last night...I called her 7ish tonight....It still hadn't sunk in but after Barb and I hung up it sunk in....Tears rolled down my cheeks and i thought back through the years to the very first time i saw her....

I have known Mary since before the night she went to bed with dad and woke up with mom....(reread and think about it...ha ha ha) I have watched her grow and everyday of her life become this amazing young woman....When Mary was a baby & Ben, my son, was just over a year old I spent alot of time with Barb and Alan...Alan, Mary's dad, i have known all my life....i cannot remember a time when I didnt know Alan...(That's small town life for you,....) Barb, Mary's mom, i met while pregnant for Ben. That makes twenty two years....so many thing running through my mind....



The day I met Mary I went to the house they brought her home to on 28....when that baby was given to me to hold from the moment i looked into her beautiful blue eyes i fell head over heels in love with her...she filled a spot in my heart that was waiting for her....All of her life i have known her....at times spending little time with her but always revisiting.... spending time...and getting reaquainted...

Now I sit here thinking it over.... I'm in shock....The tears have rolled down my cheeks more then once...I can't believe it....this amazing girl that i have known all her life is going to be a mom....In a sense even though not by blood I'm going to be a grandma....YEEEEEEEEEEEEE HAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

P.S.
Special note to Mary:

I am very excited and happy for you... I KNOW you are going to be a fabulous mom...with your parents you can't miss... If your baby learns to be half the person you are ...it can't miss at being a great person....I love you Mary and i look forward to being a part of your life as you move in to parenthood... ANYTIME you need a sitter call me!

PS.PS.
I hope it's twins....One of each!