If you really think about it your life is punctuated by memorable farts!! There is probably not one occasion that you can think of that is not punctuated by a fart...literally....you do it every day whether you want to admit it or not...! It doesn't have to be a public fart it can be private fart...A fart that only you know you did it but everyone else is getting blamed.
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I am going to once again reference back to my first blog about growing up 'Kurdt' in a 'Squires" world. As a kid and young adult growing up in our home i was the least fartiest of all of us. I hear the moans and groans and the yeah rights but i have to say with competition such as my father, The great and noble 'Spook" who would be out working, hunting, drinking with his friends and doing the things only Spook would do he would come in.... lay on the couch watching TV.... and if he was lucky he would suck one of us kids into rubbing his feet and he would trap us right there in the line of fire with the foulest nastiest cloud of green fog.... his unique mixture of leeks, pickled eggs, and Genny Cream Ale whooshing out of his ass....sorry but no other word i tried fit there quite as well as ass....We would be gasping in horror...gagging....tears rolling down our cheeks because the velocity of his fart sucked all moisture out our eyes...he would have us locked there between his legs and he would be laughing so hard he was crying but not from the smell but because he sucked one of us naive children to sit there again....every day he would get one of us....then as the memory of the fart he did to us faded to mere sulfur he would sucks us back in...I remember once when I was pregnant i was sitting on the end of the couch and he let one of his foul monsters go and i slapped him on the thigh as i tried to get up(he didn't dare hold me there because i was HUGELY pregnant). He had a welt that raised a quarter inch off his thigh and my hand stung like you can't believe. I apologized and i really tried to be sincere but inside i was saying "haha ha ya bastard i finally got a little even!"
Another big Fart Moment in my life was ohhhh let's see i was about 13 or 14 and our family always the ones for cheap entertainment had somehow devised the infamous "Fart Chart" . The fart chart gave points for every aspect of the fart... length, smell, volume etc... we each had our names on there and received points every time a fart emanated into the room....there were all kinds of rules too... you couldn't just say you farted....there had to be at least 2 or 3 other family members around to witness the fart and to agree on the points... it became a very involved fun form of entertainment for the family...The Fart Chart was made on a piece of poster paper and was proudly displayed on the wall that ran from the living room into the kitchen...it was actually way more into the kitchen then the living room....
The chart was hanging there in it's spot on the wall and there was a knock on the front door....Mom answers it it's the reverend from the church up the street...he's come to talk to mom about vacation bible school or something i can't remember what...Mom invited him to sit and asked him if he wanted anything well the Reverend said he would go into the kitchen with mom and she turned and started to go in and suddenly stopped and turned around facing the Reverend and looking at me and, i think, my brother making those little jerky motions trying to tell us to take down the chart and we acted like we were 'at the airport' mom was getting so frustrated because she did not want the Reverend to see the fart chart and could not say anything directly....finally she gave up on trying to get us to do it and just turned around.... went into the kitchen dragging the fart chart off the wall and crumpling it....to this day i don't know if the Reverend saw it...after that day mom tried to say no more Fart Charts....needless to say it didn't work....i think if we look hard enough we might find one in the house someday...
As you can see dad and Lisa are on there at the top.... they continually fought to out do each other.....seriously, as i said in the beginning, i was the least fartiest of us all...for every one good fart i had the rest of the family had ten make you hang your heads out the window when it's ten below out.... gasping for breath farts. Even my maternal grandmother was fartier then me... I remember one day after she had broken her hip she was using a walker to help her navigate through the house....she had stood up at her chair in the living room and every little step she took she farted....so you would hear the shuffle of her slippered feet the scrape of the walker on the floor and phhhhhhhhfffffftttttt, shuffle scrape phffffffftttttttttttt, shuffle scrape phhhhffftttttttttt..... after about the third step Grandma started laughing and couldn't stop...she was laughing so hard the tears were rolling down her cheeks....so then you hear her laughing gasping phfffttttttt, laughing gasping phhhhhhhhfffftttttttt.....luckiily i believe my mother was home too because grandma got 1000 points for musicalness on the fart chart... No one has ever never ever even once come close to being near to beating Grandma for musicalness....in my eyes to beat Grandma it would have to be someone really special and they would have to fart an aria from 'la boheme' or something equally impressive to beat her.....
Ohhhh I could go on for at least another ten to fifteen paragraphs about memorable farts in my life...like when my sister got married and I had such a hot steamy fart that i had to run into the bathroom at the church just before the ceremony and make sure i had not sharted in my stockings (definition below)....but i wont mention that....
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Sharted -- v- a cross between a fart and a shit.
I don't know what you are talking about all. NO ONE in my family passes gas ... ever, and if we did, it would smell like roses.
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